I didn't write this but I can see a few folks I know in it!!! :-)
(this came from a USENET news posting, you know, newsgroups!)
[THIS IS A JOKE!]
The 30 Steps below will help all New Hams.
Step One: Use as many "Q" signals as possible. Yes, I know they were
invented solely for CW and are totally inappropriate for two meter FM, but
they are fun and entertaining. They keep people guessing as to what you
really meant. I.E. "I'm going to QSY to the phone." Can you really change
frequencies to the phone? QSL used to mean, "I am acknowledging receipt",
but now it appears to mean, "yes" or "OK". I guess I missed it when the
ARRL changed the meaning. It is also best to use "OK" and "QSL" together.
Redundancy is the better part of Lid-dom.
Step Two: Never laugh when you can say "HI HI". No one will ever know you
aren't a long time CW rag-chewer if you don't tell them. They'll think
you've been on since the days of Marconi.
Step Three: Utilize an alternative vocabulary. Use words like "destinated"
and "negatory". It's OK to make up your own words here. I.E. "Yeah Tom, I
"pheelbart zaphonix" occasionally myself."
Step Four: Always say "XX4XXX" (Insert your own call) "for I.D." As
mentioned in Step One, anything that creates redundancy is always
encouraged. That's why we have the Department of Redundancy Department.
(Please note that you can follow your call with "for identification
purposes" instead of "for I.D." While taking longer to say, it is worth
more "LID points".
Step Five: The better the copy on two meter FM, the more you should use
phonetics. Names should be especially used if they are short or common
ones. I.E. "My name is Al... Alpha Lima" or "Jack.. Juliet Alpha Charlie
Kilo." If at all possible use the less common HF phonetics "A4SM...
America, Number Four, Sugar Mexico." And for maximum "LID points", make up
unintelligible phonetics. "My name is Bob... Billibong Oregano
Step Six: Always give the calls of yourself and everyone who is (or has
been) in the group, whether they are still there or not. While this has
been unnecessary for years, it is still a great memory test. You may also
use "and the group" if you are an "old timer" or just have a bad memory.
Extra points for saying everyone's call and then clearing in a silly way
"K2PKK, Chow, Chow."
Step Seven: Whenever possible, use the wrong terminology. It keeps people
guessing. Use "modulation" when you mean "deviation", and vice-versa.
Step Eight: If someone asks for a break, always finish your turn, taking
as long as possible before turning it over. Whenever possible, pass it
around a few times first. This will discourage the breaker, and if it is
an emergency, encourage him to switch to another repeater and not bother
Step Nine: Always ask involved questions of the person who is trying to
sign out. Never let him get by with just a "yes" or "no" answer. Make it a
question that will take him a long time to answer.
Step Ten: The less you know on a subject, the more you should speculate
about it in the roundtable. Also the amount of time you spend on the
subject should be inversely proportionate to your knowledge of the subject
even though you have no damn clue.
Step Eleven: Always make sure you try to communicate with only a handheld
and a rubber duck antenna. Also, make sure you work through a repeater
that you can hear very well, but it cannot hear you. This will put out a
kind of "LID mating call": "Well, Joe, I can hear the repeater just fine
here. I wonder why it can't hear me?" You will score maximum LID points if
you are mobile, and with the radio lying in the passenger seat.
Step Twelve: If you hear two amateurs start a conversation, wait until
they are twenty seconds into their contact, and then break in to make a
call, or better yet to use the auto-patch. Make sure you keep the repeater
tied up for at least three minutes. This way, once the two have
re-established contact, they won't even remember what they were talking
Step Thirteen: You hear someone on the repeater giving directions to a
visiting amateur. Even if the directions are good, make sure you break in
with your own "alternate route but better way to get there" version. This
is most effective with several other "would-be LIDs", each giving a
different route. By the time the visiting amateur unscrambles all the
street names whizzing by in his mind, he should have moved out of the
range of the repeater. This keeps you from having to stick around to help
the guy get back out of town, later.
Step Fourteen: If an annoying station is bothering you, make sure your
other "LID" buddies have a "coded" frequency list. Even though "CODES" are
strictly forbidden on Amateur Radio, it's really neat to practice "James
Step Fifteen: Always use the National Calling Frequency for general
conversations. The more uninteresting, the longer you should use it. Extra
points are awarded if you have recently move from an adjacent frequency
for no reason. Make sure when DX is "rolling" in on 52.525 that you hang
out there and talk to your friends five miles down the road about the good
old CB days!
Step Sixteen: Make sure that if you have a personal problem with someone,
you should voice your opinion in a public forum, especially a net. Make
sure you give their name, call, and any other identifying remarks. For
maximum points, make sure the person in question is not on the repeater,
or not available.
Step Seventeen: Make sure you say the first few words of each transmission
twice, especially if it is the same thing each time. Like "roger, roger"
or "fine business, fine business". I cannot stress enough about
Step Eighteen: If you hear a conversation on a local repeater, break in
and ask how each station is receiving you. Of course they will only see
the signal of the repeater you are using, but it's that magic moment when
you can find a fellow "LID", and get the report. Extra points are awarded
if you are using a base station, and the repeater is less than twenty-five
air miles from you.
Step Nineteen: Use the repeater for an hour or two at a time, preventing
others from using it. Better yet, do it on a daily basis. Your quest is to
make people so sick of hearing your voice every time they turn on their
radio, they'll move to another frequency. This way you'll lighten the load
on the repeater, leaving even more time for you to talk on it.
Step Twenty: See just how much flutter you can generate by operating at
handheld power levels too far away from the repeater. Engage people in
conversations when you know they wont be able to copy half of what your
saying. Even when they say your uncopyable, continue to string them along
by making further transmissions. See just how frustrated you can make the
other amateur before he finally signs off in disgust.
Step Twenty One: Use lots of radio jargon. After all, it makes you feel
important using words ordinary people don't say. Who cares if it makes you
sound like you just fell off Channel 19 on the citizen's Band? Use phrases
such as "Roger on that", "10-4", "I'm on the side", "Your making the trip"
and "Negatory on that".
Step Twenty Two: Use excessive microphone gain. See just how loud you can
make your audio. Make sure the audio gain is so high that other amateurs
can hear any bugs crawling on your floor. If mobile, make sure the wind
noise is loud enough that others have to strain to pick your words out
from all the racket.
Step Twenty Three: Start every transmission with the word "Roger" or
"QSL". Sure, you don't need to acknowledge that you received the other
transmission in full. After all, you would simply ask for a repeat if you
missed something. But consider it your gift to the other amateur to give
him solace every few seconds that his transmissions are being received.
Step Twenty Four: When looking for a contact on a repeater, always say
you're "listening" or "monitoring" multiple times. I've always found that at
least a half dozen times or so is good. Repeating your multiple
"listening" ID's every 10 to 15 seconds is even better. Those people who
didn't want to talk to you will eventually call you, hoping you'll go away
after you have finally made a contact.
Step Twenty Five: Always use a repeater, even if you can work the other
station easily on simplex ... especially if you can make the contact on
simplex. The coverage of the repeater you use should be inversely
proportional to your distance from the other station.
Step Twenty Six: When on repeaters using courtesy tones, you should always
say "over". Courtesy tones are designed to let everyone know when you have
unkeyed but don't let that stop you. Say "over", "back to you" or "go
ahead". It serves no useful purpose but don't worry, it's still fun!
Step Twenty Seven: Use the repeater's autopatch for frivolous routine
calls... especially during morning or evening commute times. While pulling
into the neighborhood, call home to let them know you'll be there in two
minutes.... or, call your spouse to complain about the bad day you had at
work. After all, the club has "measured rate" service on their phone line
so they get charged for each autopatch call. Your endeavor is to make so
many patches in a year that you cost the club at least $20 in phone bills.
That way you'll feel you got your money's worth for your dues!
Step Twenty Eight: Never say "My name is ....." It makes you sound human.
If at all possible, use one of the following phrases: a) "The personal
here is ..." b) "The handle here is..."
Step Twenty Nine: Use "73" and "88" incorrectly. Both are already
considered plural, but add a "s" to the end anyway. Say "73's" or "88's".
Who cares if it means "best regards" and "love and kisses." Better yet,
say "seventy thirds"! (By the way, seventy thirds equals about 23.3).
Step Thirty: If the repeater is off the air for service, complain about
the fact that it was off the air as soon as it's turned back on. Act as
though your entire day has been ruined because the repeater wasn't
available when you wanted to use it. Even thought you have never paid a
penny to help out with the upkeep of it.